Sunday, May 28, 2017

Grief

Friday(5/26/ 17) morning at 8:30 I lit this candle on behalf of my older dog Miss Kira. Hubby was taking her to have her put to sleep as she had stopped eating on her own and only ate a little from my hand as I tried to get her to eat. She gave me a kiss instead and I let her go...with heartbreaking and fighting denial that made me want to pretend she would be instantly cured of the tumor or better go in her sleep....

I stayed home with Rascal, he was only 6 wks old and hadn't been with his mommy due to his mommy fighting to live after being starved while she was expecting. So Kira was his doggy mommy when I am just mommy.... I side tracked him so he wouldn't get upset with her getting to go in the truck with Hubby and him not. (her favorite thing to do was ride in the truck with her Daddy without Rascal and me) When Hubby brought her collar home and put it with her leash in the mudroom. Later when the breeze changed direction her tags made a sound and he ran to the mudroom to see her.. with tears running down my face I took the collar and let him smell it. His eyes became sad and his head dropped and walked away and hide between my foot stool and the couch where she hid when she wanted to be left alone. He knew she wouldn't be without that collar,

But life goes on as we grieve . I have her lamb that she rested her head on, at time Rascal and I both need to smell it to smell her one more time. I know her scent will fade with time, and so will the  grief...Walking the perimeter for me is hard, she was my perimeter buddy and her cute prance brought a smile through the worst of weather we walked in. I remind myself she isn't in pain, wasn't when we let her go. She's not stuck in a perimeter and can roam to her heart's content. Her ashes will bring joy to others as they were mixed with wild flowers and sprinkled in a meadow. She loved walking through my flower gardens and smelling the flowers several times a day.

My Hubby grieves, she loved him the most and made that clear. She would sit in truck for hours with him. He said he needed to be the one to take her, to tell her to go on as she stopped and looked back at him as she left him.

Rascal is withdrawn and we try to let him have his time of grief but encourage him to eat, to play to go outside though one of us usually go out with him so he doesn't feel so alone. His routine and habits will change as he is now "top dog" as Hubby calls him. He finally slept on the loveseat and then on the couch that she had claimed as hers. He now lays beside Hubby's chair at the dining table where she laid instead of by me like he did... He's not playing unless we push the issue with him. I get him out to play 10 (10 throws of the ball) and am lucky to get 1 at this point. He will go out with me when I can bring myself to walk the perimeter but doesn't walk with me even if I take the ball to play 10, he will catch the ball and then go back up to the drive to watch me but not be with me.  I hope some day that he will walk with me.

I grieve, I just grieve. She had brought me out of sever depression when I got her out of the shelter 7 yrs ago. Spent 5 yrs of her life in the shelter ( first 2 owners lost their homes and gave her back).Now I fight the depression without her. I fight it in honor of her, to be there for Rascal as she would want me to .... I try to keep in mind she's better, she's free, she's happy...

I told Hubby I am not sure I could handle losing one of the kids, grandkids or great grandson. I nearly starved myself to death when I lost my younger brother...the grief just hits harder and harder as I age.

Hold your love ones a little longer today, call. text, whatever, the ones you can't hold and let them know you love them.

Life is too short, far too short, and shorter when they walk on 4 legs.

Blessed be  my baby girl..Miss Kira
Your last walk baby, I love you. I miss you ...baby girl

 




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