Tuesday, October 8, 2019

disagreement and frustration.

Hubby and I have been doing a lot of talking about our lack of routines or what messes up the routines we have... lots of talking and lots of ideas. AND then I clued in after a frustrating difference of opinion.

First we have things needing done from the energy audit. Do this will savings us $$$ in the long run while it is costing us $ in the now. There is 120 items. I could do all of it myself if I had to.

Second we have the remaining 139 things on the punch list that we set a deadline of 2 yrs (now into year 2) to finish except for big projects aka basement ramp redone and the gravel in all places. Those items were set at 4 yrs. I average 8 items per month. Hubby averaged 1 item every 3 months. This is going to take both of us to work on to get it done in that time frame. And 1 every 3 months isn't going to get it done.

Third there is the daily living items...

Mine is meals,(planning, shopping, cooking and cleaning up, cleaning frigs) home blessing (decluttering, dust, shine, swish, swipe, sweep, mop and vacuum along with burn trash and half the time take the other trash to the can or/and to the road) Laundry (sort, wash, dry (clothes line or drying rack) iron if needed mend if needed) Putting the food up, maintaining the pantry. Being the one to manage the finances for the home.

Hubby is in charge of keeping all vehicles maintained.We schedule health appts that we both need together to save fuel $. I try to schedule my others... so I can combine them with other errands.

We both do yard and garden jobs. We both do repairs on the home.We both take care of the dogs. We both drive Amish or elderly that don't drive any more or take messages to those without a phone or to the English neighbor who forgets to charge her house and cell phone and her kids are worried since she isn't answering. 

Hubby is doing more hauling this year than expected due to 3 other haulers down on medical or retired out. The one that retired out is back as semi retired and the medical ones are starting back slowly.

I clued in to that he was trying to pay back the money he spent on all 3 trailers in this year. Unrealistic goal. I did business management in college. He also wanted to have his truck paid off 2 yrs early... that might be possible if he wasn't trying to pay back the trailers even with just a paying hobby which is what he is doing.Which is why he started booking so much that he wasn't home for 12-14 hrs 5 to 6 days a week.

I also clued in when he wanted me to do something that he offered to do for someone else even though doing so meant I lost 2 days of doing my own work right in the middle of me canning and trying to caulk 3000 plus square feet of this home and he had a poor attitude with my response.

I refused and told him to call the person and tell them he couldn't do it or change what he was doing to get it done. I went to bed upset, angry and woke in the middle of the night with a mild Crohn's flare up.

The next day we were on the road for several hours. Nothing like being in a car where you can't just walk away. I did tell him it was a conversation not a dialog
so he needed to at least acknowledge he was listening. He was really upset that it flared my Crohn's but he understood it wasn't the disagreement it was the fact he disrespected me by not acknowledging the amount of work I already do. Funny thing is he has constantly told others I save him more money than I could earn (after taxes especially ) when he was working in the factory. Wonder how he thought I did that ?

We realized that he doesn't really understand the time it takes to care for a home even though he was a single parent with custody of his 2 kids. He did a pick up and maybe a dust and run the vacuum a couple times a month. His daughter cleaned the bathroom and kitchen as she said she couldn't' stand it otherwise...she was 10. He never saw his mom clean the home , his mom said he was either in the fields or one of his grandmothers did it while he was in school since she worked outside the home. Never saw his ex clean their home. It threw him I knew that average amount of time it took me to keep this much space cleaned on a regular bases and how long it took to fall/spring clean. How much time it takes me to do the finances, do the meals etc. Processing food changes all the time. When it comes in, everything else is put on hold.

But he realize I actually work over 40 hrs a week in maintaining the home. Add to that the energy audit, the punch list, and filling the pantry I am doing closer to 70 hrs plus and when I have to do the mowing because he hasn't done it add about 20 hrs to my work.

I bit my tongue to keep from saying most single parents do that. It used to be most women and a lot of women still do when they work outside the home but I know a lot of men that are doing that now especially when they have kids.

I did convince him that paying back one trailer a year with his paying hobby is really good and then after that is all back he can focus on paying off the truck. I told him to wait another year before he decided to make it a business , it will cost more to do but  he could do more hauling also... or stay with a hobby. He also knows he is going to have to focus on blocking time to do his work at home and if he does it as a business he will need to block time also.Amish have no issue when you say I can't do that due to work at home as they do it themselves.

Since tomorrow is his birthday and I am taking him to Lock 16 over in Lima (where he orders steak always) he is going to pick up his hubcap he ordered for his truck last month since we will be right down the street so no extra $ spent on fuel to get it.

 He asked if I could write down what part of our routine is working and some thoughts on what to change to get things done and taken care of without the stress to talk about while driving over, during the meal and driving home.  I wanted to bang my head on the wall.. or better bang his head as I have done this several times and the monkey wrench has been him adding to MY work load.  AND I POINTED THAT OUT...

I said I might as well be single and do everything myself.

Can I do all the work on the lists and not put myself in the hospital doing so... YES if I plan it out and refuse to do anything he has promised to another without asking me if I can fill in if he can't do it.It will take longer to do.

BUT that means I have to change MY routine to add that load to be done without his help.

Is this a solution ... not to my way of thinking but I am so over stressing because it's not getting done, I see $$$ floating away that doesn't need to be and I am definitely tired of the constant "I can't get to it because I told so and so I would do this" even though it's on his work calendar he has other work to do and then I have to either ignore it needs done and is costing us money or go into crisis mode and deal with it.

Frugal steps in past week.

We are still trying to work on getting routines beyond getting up at 4-5 am and going to bed at 8 pm.


Breaded chicken tenders and steak fries. Pickles and pickled beets (Thursday)

Spaghetti with meat balls and green beans (Friday)

Leftover Spaghetti with meat balls with mushrooms, bell pepper and onion added and applesauce (Saturday)

Spicy (not hot) cinnamon pork chops served in bed of apple butter with Brussels Sprouts roasted with apple and served with a basmatic vinegar, honey and dried cranberries dressing. (Sunday)

Cube steak with gravy,mashed potatoes and breaded mushrooms (last in freezer, good thing as we really don't like the breading on them) (Monday_

Pork cubes with pineapple and bell pepper served over rice and pot stickers (Tuesday)

Six meals cooked and out of pantry. That's a big deal as we have "snacked" our way through most of the summer. ROUTINE NEEDED !!!!

Hubby called our internet home phone provider and saved us $23.45 and kept the same services.

Last night Hubby asked why the house was up to 75 and then dropped 20 min later to 72... my answer... you propped the door open for the dogs so you wouldn't have to get up and let them in . He got up and shut the door.

Canning has been helping keep the house warm. I now have another 30 pints of applesauce and another batch of apple butter to make.

Winter bedding being washed and dried on clothes line off and on this coming week.

Hubby used leftover weed barrier from gardens to put under the stone under the steps to the deck. He has enough to put under the ramp when he starts working on it. We will have to widen the driveway as when he turns in with the trailer he ends up in the grass. That's next year's to do.

The oil lamp is lit every morning and every evening.

The furnace is turned on at 8 pm to 72 and then turned off at 6 am. The house drops to 62 but warms back up with the sun shining. Dark days it stays on the cool side.We still have not had to have the 1st propane fill of the heating season. Last year we were about half way through the tank.

We figure I have 10 days to finish fall cleaning and caulking. Our frost is usually around the 15th, last year it was a freeze.

I found another pair of tennis shoes in the winter shoe Rubbermaid. Since it still had tags on it I thought one of the granddaughters passed them to me. Not a style I have seen them wear but I don't care about the style of my tennis shoe that I wear around the house. But daughter 4 thinks it came from her younger son's grandma in his dad side as she wears the same size as me and she had gave Daughter 4 several pair of crocs and she thought a pair of tennis shoes. Daughter 4 kept the crocs as that size is too big for me in those shoes. I wear a 4 in children's crocs, and they were 6's in the crocs.

Our HVAC guy came down to do a repair on insulation on a heater vent that his guys forgot to tape closed. While here he installed the whole house surge protector. BECAUSE he was coming down for a repair he did not charge us the $53 trip fee and took 10 % off of the installation fee since we gave him the information and where we bought it from as he has had 2 more customers ask for it.

I canned 36 jelly jars of apple butter, froze 9 cups of corn and shelled 1 pint of popcorn.

I told Hubby that the next 10 days is getting stuff done off the energy audit and fall cleaning. That he is on his own for bfast and lunch but I would try to have dinner on the table at 5. IF he isn't going to be home at that time he needs to let me know so I can eat and just make him a plate. Instead of me waiting until he gets home to fix something.

I did more laundry and line dried. Told Hubby we are about to the time of using the drying rack over night.I hope to find another drying rack within my price point soon.

I started the fall cleaning in the front room as I am also caulking baseboard and windows there also. I got half of the room done, was feeling a bit bad about not finishing until Hubby reminded me that most rooms at 12 ft by 12 ft and our front room is 24 ft by 24 ft. So it's the size of 2 rooms. I also replaced the window insulation seal that had went bad on 2 of the windows. Figure that the other 2 will need theirs replaced.

There has been 2 fires, 1 a sawmill and another a calf barn in the past week. Last month a barn burnt down and a couple months before that a house did while the family was at Church. Amish community have already rebuilt the house and the barn. Yesterday Hubby said he stopped by the calf barn to see if they needed help and they were sending people down to the sawmill which was just 1/2 mile down the road because they had plenty of help. Today Hubby is hauling lumber in to the sawmill. No one has been hurt but the lectures of fire safety is going strong.