Hubby and I have been doing a lot of talking about our lack of routines or what messes up the routines we have... lots of talking and lots of ideas. AND then I clued in after a frustrating difference of opinion.
First we have things needing done from the energy audit. Do this will savings us $$$ in the long run while it is costing us $ in the now. There is 120 items. I could do all of it myself if I had to.
Second we have the remaining 139 things on the punch list that we set a deadline of 2 yrs (now into year 2) to finish except for big projects aka basement ramp redone and the gravel in all places. Those items were set at 4 yrs. I average 8 items per month. Hubby averaged 1 item every 3 months. This is going to take both of us to work on to get it done in that time frame. And 1 every 3 months isn't going to get it done.
Third there is the daily living items...
Mine is meals,(planning, shopping, cooking and cleaning up, cleaning frigs) home blessing (decluttering, dust, shine, swish, swipe, sweep, mop and vacuum along with burn trash and half the time take the other trash to the can or/and to the road) Laundry (sort, wash, dry (clothes line or drying rack) iron if needed mend if needed) Putting the food up, maintaining the pantry. Being the one to manage the finances for the home.
Hubby is in charge of keeping all vehicles maintained.We schedule health appts that we both need together to save fuel $. I try to schedule my others... so I can combine them with other errands.
We both do yard and garden jobs. We both do repairs on the home.We both take care of the dogs. We both drive Amish or elderly that don't drive any more or take messages to those without a phone or to the English neighbor who forgets to charge her house and cell phone and her kids are worried since she isn't answering.
Hubby is doing more hauling this year than expected due to 3 other haulers down on medical or retired out. The one that retired out is back as semi retired and the medical ones are starting back slowly.
I clued in to that he was trying to pay back the money he spent on all 3 trailers in this year. Unrealistic goal. I did business management in college. He also wanted to have his truck paid off 2 yrs early... that might be possible if he wasn't trying to pay back the trailers even with just a paying hobby which is what he is doing.Which is why he started booking so much that he wasn't home for 12-14 hrs 5 to 6 days a week.
I also clued in when he wanted me to do something that he offered to do for someone else even though doing so meant I lost 2 days of doing my own work right in the middle of me canning and trying to caulk 3000 plus square feet of this home and he had a poor attitude with my response.
I refused and told him to call the person and tell them he couldn't do it or change what he was doing to get it done. I went to bed upset, angry and woke in the middle of the night with a mild Crohn's flare up.
The next day we were on the road for several hours. Nothing like being in a car where you can't just walk away. I did tell him it was a conversation not a dialog
so he needed to at least acknowledge he was listening. He was really upset that it flared my Crohn's but he understood it wasn't the disagreement it was the fact he disrespected me by not acknowledging the amount of work I already do. Funny thing is he has constantly told others I save him more money than I could earn (after taxes especially ) when he was working in the factory. Wonder how he thought I did that ?
We realized that he doesn't really understand the time it takes to care for a home even though he was a single parent with custody of his 2 kids. He did a pick up and maybe a dust and run the vacuum a couple times a month. His daughter cleaned the bathroom and kitchen as she said she couldn't' stand it otherwise...she was 10. He never saw his mom clean the home , his mom said he was either in the fields or one of his grandmothers did it while he was in school since she worked outside the home. Never saw his ex clean their home. It threw him I knew that average amount of time it took me to keep this much space cleaned on a regular bases and how long it took to fall/spring clean. How much time it takes me to do the finances, do the meals etc. Processing food changes all the time. When it comes in, everything else is put on hold.
But he realize I actually work over 40 hrs a week in maintaining the home. Add to that the energy audit, the punch list, and filling the pantry I am doing closer to 70 hrs plus and when I have to do the mowing because he hasn't done it add about 20 hrs to my work.
I bit my tongue to keep from saying most single parents do that. It used to be most women and a lot of women still do when they work outside the home but I know a lot of men that are doing that now especially when they have kids.
I did convince him that paying back one trailer a year with his paying hobby is really good and then after that is all back he can focus on paying off the truck. I told him to wait another year before he decided to make it a business , it will cost more to do but he could do more hauling also... or stay with a hobby. He also knows he is going to have to focus on blocking time to do his work at home and if he does it as a business he will need to block time also.Amish have no issue when you say I can't do that due to work at home as they do it themselves.
Since tomorrow is his birthday and I am taking him to Lock 16 over in Lima (where he orders steak always) he is going to pick up his hubcap he ordered for his truck last month since we will be right down the street so no extra $ spent on fuel to get it.
He asked if I could write down what part of our routine is working and some thoughts on what to change to get things done and taken care of without the stress to talk about while driving over, during the meal and driving home. I wanted to bang my head on the wall.. or better bang his head as I have done this several times and the monkey wrench has been him adding to MY work load. AND I POINTED THAT OUT...
I said I might as well be single and do everything myself.
Can I do all the work on the lists and not put myself in the hospital doing so... YES if I plan it out and refuse to do anything he has promised to another without asking me if I can fill in if he can't do it.It will take longer to do.
BUT that means I have to change MY routine to add that load to be done without his help.
Is this a solution ... not to my way of thinking but I am so over stressing because it's not getting done, I see $$$ floating away that doesn't need to be and I am definitely tired of the constant "I can't get to it because I told so and so I would do this" even though it's on his work calendar he has other work to do and then I have to either ignore it needs done and is costing us money or go into crisis mode and deal with it.
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